“The challenge is to always do what is right and good and true, even if others don’t appreciate it. Making the world a better place can’t depend on applause. You have to keep striving, no matter what, because if you don’t, many of the things that need to be done in our world will never get done.” ~ Kent M. Keith, author of Anyway – The Paradoxical Commandments
The Paradoxical Commandments by Keith M. Kent:
- People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
- If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
- If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
- The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
- Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
- The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
- People favor underdogs but follow top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
- What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
- People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
- Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.
I resonate with Kent Keith’s ideas. Our job is to leave a positive mark on this world through our actions and words. Our ripples may be small or large. The size isn’t the point. The healthiest approach is to detach from the outcome or reach of the good we do and do good anyway! 🙂
If you are like most of us, you have unhealthy relational skills. You learned them when you were little. You learned by observing others and maybe got some instruction from your parents and care givers; however, most of what you learned or figured out isn’t healthy. Think about the time your friend or spouse wouldn’t give you something you wanted. You were hurt by them, you shut down and stopped talking to them. This is the adult version of, “Fine! You can’t come to my Birthday party.” It may look different and sound different, but it’s still a five year old’s response to being disappointed or hurt by a friend.
Some things we learned are ultra damaging to ourselves and others. We may have learned to make everyone around us happy. We may have learned it’s our fault when they aren’t. As an adult you are now in relationships where you believe you can’t stand up for yourself or draw healthy boundaries because those actions will be mean to the other person. This belief is not accurate nor is it conducive to healthy relationships.
Take a look at how you function in relationships. If you’re honest, chances are you will see yourself taking some young and unhealthy actions. Get involved in a relationship skills class, read books on the subject or get help from a counselor. Life is too short to stumble along using immature skills in the most important part of life, relationships!
My favorite authors on healthy relationship skills are Drs John Townsend and Henry Cloud. They have a multitude of books, videos and workshops to help you grow up 🙂
Categories: Boundaries, co-dependency, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Parent-wounds, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help
Tags: Cloud and Townsend, Healthy adult relationships, relational skills
I have been indulging in episodes of Glee…maybe I should confess “seasons” not just episodes since I am now on Season 3. As a former choir and musical theater girl, I thoroughly enjoy the music and dancing. Lately, a thought has been inching its way into my mind as the individuality of the characters is colorfully displayed: Let your freak flag fly.
So often we are plagued by the oppression of conformity. This oppression leads to anxiety and depression and it is completely unnecessary. I can find no reason for it. It’s our individuality that makes us relatable. I will rephrase that: it’s the embracing and acceptance of our own individuality as well as that of those whose paths we cross that encourages connection with others. Connection with others heals our very soul.
I think, when we are busy trying to fit in to some ideal, we are missing the mark. We are a shadow of ourselves and therefore only bringing a small portion of all we have to offer on this earth. This is crushing your spirit, limiting your potential and leading to unnecessary emotional challenges. Adopt the belief that your unique qualities are good and use them to make your life and the lives of those around you better.
Your unique self doesn’t mean you have to be bold and splashy. I’m not that at all. I am simple: plain hair, no tattoos, ‘conservative-ish’ clothing, little jewelry. There’s nothing particularly striking about me and I embrace that. It’s not a put down, it’s who I am. I am most comfortable this way and I like it…I love me! So find out what you like to wear, do, think and say, then live it out.
- Be aware of the times when you are hiding your true self.
- Ask yourself what you gain by hiding.
- Ask yourself what you lose by hiding.
- Visualize yourself being authentic in that moment.
- Then do it.
If you run into problems like anxiety around changing, enlist the help of a counselor/therapist to help you work through it and get to the place where you can confidently Fly Your Freak Flag High!
When was the last time you did something fun? I’ll bet a bunch of you are exasperated by that question. “Fun?! Who has time for fun?” This response tells me a few things: 1. You don’t have much fun and 2. You don’t see the value in it. We tend to believe we must get all of our work finished before we can have fun. The problem is, our work is never really finished. As soon as we complete one project another is creeping into the spotlight, and another, and another… If you wait until you are finished with all of your work before you have fun, you aren’t going to have fun.
Allowing time for fun rejuvenates us and prepares us for more effective time use. When we slog through work with the thought, “One day I’ll get to have some fun” we are actually less productive than if we incorporate fun into our life. Having fun is part of self care and self care is crucial if you want to lead a healthy, balanced life. So, what will you do today for fun?
By Kaiulani Paulus
Hello! For those of you who read my blog to see what’s happening in my life, all is well. I have been ultra busy with clients, Marriage Intensives, Outrageous Freedom (a women’s group I am co-leading), visitors, a bit of traveling and working on a project very near and dear to my heart. I will let you know more about this project in the weeks to come but for now I will simply include a piece of the artwork (courtesy of my uber talented sister, Kai) which can be found in the pages of my project. 🙂
Cheering you on in your journey!
This is my niece Hailey and her boyfriend, Ryan. They are inspiring. What’s sad to me is the idea of simply living life to the fullest is refreshing…it should be the norm for all of us!
“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Andy Warhol
I firmly believe we all have beauty, meaning and purpose. I often use the illustration of a tiny high alpine flower in a remote area where no human foot will ever be set. Its beauty shines for God to see. Its purpose is not defined by human applause or approval. Its purpose is defined by its Creator. And that is how it is with all of us. Some will be known by the multitudes and some only by those in their tiny circle but all have beauty and meaning and purpose. Keep this in mind when you feel insignificant or overlooked. Our significance is found in the eyes of our Creator and that is all we need!
I’m realizing more and more the hardships I face are always used to comfort another. Last week my 20 year old my son had an extremely bizarre experience which sent him to the ER. Since he goes to school just 20 minutes from home, his step-mother and I also found ourselves at the ER. One event led to a series of events all filled with questions and concerns. While the even itself is over, the aftermath is not.
As I shared my experience, my fears, my sadness with others I found comfort. The most comforting came from a mother whose son has walked a similar road as mine. As I thanked her for her sweet salve, I realized I felt a conflict about her situation. I was sad for her but thankful she knew what I might be going through. Then it struck me: when we walk hard roads we are equipped to walk with another who is on the same road. If I skip happily down the road of pain because I don’t have pain, I have no business being on that road.
While I don’t really want more pain in my life, I am learning to embrace each experience as a connection to others. I am more effective in my work with clients, I am more compassionate with friends. It’s a fascinating twist to the human experience; the more I experience the challenges, pain, sadness and disappointments of life, the more qualified I am to sit in the muck with others. If my life goes easily and always as planned, I am ill-equipped to say anything to anyone who is actually facing hardship. With that, I tentatively say, “Bring it on!”
Here’s an article I resonate with. I hope it’s helpful for you. 5 Huge Life Lessons