Growth

We Are Not All Bad

Oh my what a divided world we live in! I am not on Facebook regularly but I was perusing it this morning. Such hot debate over immigration. As I read people’s posts and comments, it was clear, yet again, hatred is ever present. We get stuck in this “all good or all bad” mentality. I know that one…sometimes I get stuck there, too. When we so hotly disagree with someone we see that person as all bad. Does that solve anything? Doesn’t it turn us into the very being we don’t want to be?

The challenge is to allow others to have their view. To see them as people who possess the capacity for good and bad, just like me. When someone says something I disagree with, the healthy, integrated me, looks at this person as a whole. I can step back and say, “Hmmm…you have a view that is antithetical to mine. I want to demonize you so I feel better about myself but that isn’t accurate. What’s true (the majority of the time for the average human with whom I interact) is you likely want good. We just have different views of how that is accomplished.”

When we begin to see a person as a whole with good and bad, we can then seek to understand their view. We can ask questions versus making assumptions. To find out more about their philosophy. To find our common ground.

We want positive change in our world. We want love to overcome hate. Let’s start by modeling love.

Categories: Acceptance, Growth, Relationships, Self-Help | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Every Person Is Important

This is a repost from two years ago. Sometimes we just need the reminder that we each serve a very special role in life that only we can fill…

From February 2016: Last week I shared the beauty I experienced with my dad dying. This week is the other side of all that! It wasn’t all sweet and sappy. I spent about two weeks with my family and that is bound to bring up issues. We have different personalities, tolerances andfamily van messiness. Mine floated ever so effortlessly into clear view. I am number 5 out of 6 kids plus I have two foster sisters who take the first and last spots. I sometimes feel unimportant in my family and my dad’s exit process was no different. I just didn’t think I had a place. I wondered where I fit in. Why should I even be here? I decided after a few days to just go home. Why subject myself to misery?

Each of my siblings, in my opinion, had a role: executor, nurse, caretaker, carry on the family business…
But what about me? For a time I kept thinking my dad didn’t even know who I was…he did. That was just a story I created to support my “I don’t matter” theme. Then I thought he looked at me with disdain, like maybe he was seeing me as he did when I was involved in an affair. Shame poured all over me like waste from a port-a-potty extraction.

Our minds are so powerful! We can convince ourselves of almost anything. Mine was doing a fine job of tearing my worth and value into shreds. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I quietly packed and gently left. No one would have known anything was wrong. I am an excellent, Oscar worthy actress! One of my sisters wanted to have lunch with me before I started my drive back home…that changed everything! She had no idea how fragile I had become or how intensely the toxic stench of shame had poisoned me.
I poured out all the gunk inside of me and laid it at her feet. That’s when the hazmat cleanup started. She and my niece stayed in the icky places with me.They let me have my experience and also added truth. They helped me see my role…everyone has a role! Mine was subtle but still important.

The time with my sister and niece changed an entire course of my life! I could have walked away. I would have missed out on the healing I received from them. I would have missed out on being there for my dad, my mom and my sister in ways only I could fill. Not because “I’m all that” but because I am me and the elements I bring into my relationships are uniquely mine. No one else brings what I do, just as I don’t bring what any one else does. It’s this beautiful place of importance that we all have in the entangled messy rootball of life.

 

Categories: Acceptance, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help | 1 Comment

Calling Workbook Purchasers!

If you happened to buy a copy of my workbook would you be willing to write a review of it? I really need reviews…I only have 3. Reviews help boost a book’s presence on Amazon. The more reviews a book has the more likely it is to show up in a person’s search. Click here to be connected to the Journey Forward Workbook Amazon page. Once on that page, click on “Customer Reviews” just below the Workbook title. Next, click on “Write a customer review”. I am so grateful for your help!!!

Also, my new website is up and running! It still has some kinks and errors to be worked out but at least it’s up. Thanks to my web designer, all of my websites feed to the same place. Take a look! JourneyForwardforLife.com Soon I will be adding helpful videos and workshops (online and in person). If you want to be on my email list, just sign up on my website.

Thank you!!!!

Categories: Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Journey Forward Workbook, Recovery, self care, Self-Help | Leave a comment

Have You Joined The Symphony?

One of my favorite self-care activities is going outside and listening. I hear birds. Just writing that sentence brings tears of joy and a smile to my face. My neighbors have bird feeders that attract all kinds of birds. I get to hear them sing. They have different songs but all together it really does sound like a symphony, a work of art.  It leads me to think about all of us. We each have a part to sing in the song of life. Individually we can contribute something to this planet that brings joy. Sometimes our fear of being noticed or not being noticed, stops us. The birds are not affected by whether or not they have an audience. They just sing.

What about you? Do you live out your authentic self whether anyone notices or not?

Categories: Acceptance, Growth, Self-Help | Tags: | Leave a comment

Is Your Anger Eating You Up?

Angry with anyone today? Think about the things the person is doing that contribute to the anger you feel toward them. Then think about this: Sometimes we are so quick to point the finger at others and forget to look within. Is there something you might be doing that is contributing to the situation? Perhaps in other areas of your life are you doing the very same things you are angry at the other person for? Maybe…maybe not.

When we get in our self righteous stance, we sometimes forget someone else might be angry at us for something we have done…or not done. When I am really angry with someone it’s easy to list all of the reasons why I am justified. Another thought occasionally finds its way into my mind, “You know, Karen, people are probably angry at you right now for something you may have done.” That thought stops me for a moment. It softens me.

Sometimes our anger is justified but even in justified anger we can get really hard and unloving. It turns into bitterness that can eat us up from the inside out. It’s ok to be angry but bitterness is not good for us or anyone around us.

Is there an area in your life where it might be helpful to soften the intensity of the anger you are feeling? To recognize you aren’t without fault in this life? The softening might give you a healthier perspective of the situation. At the very least, it will be better for your emotional and physical health.

PS I’m working on this, too!

Categories: Acceptance, Boundaries, co-dependency, Emotional Healing, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help | Tags: | Leave a comment

When My Experience Isn’t Yours

Relationships are fulfilling and exhausting! When we see eye to eye we usually get along better. But we don’t always see things the same way. How do we navigate the space of different views, different experiences? I think we have to be willing to accept that the process will be messy.

I’m in a space like that right now. My siblings and I own a business my father gave to us years before he died. Prior to us being involved, it was just his. He made all the decisions. Now, the task of making decisions falls on the shoulders of me, four of my siblings and our children. We are strong, independent people. We have different ideas of what success looks like. We have different ideas of how to grow and when to grow. It’s unbelievably challenging navigating these waters.

I see life through my filter. They see life through their individual filters. We are currently in a state of “my filter or experience is not like yours”. Our rough edges are showing. Harsh words have been spoken. Hard feelings are on the surface. Where do we go from here?

We must step back and listen to each other. We must understand where each person is coming from and why each has the view they have. It can’t stop there. We must own our part in why the discord exists and ask ourselves, “What am I doing that is contributing to the dissonance?”

This doesn’t mean I give up on my view of the situation but it does mean that I not hold so tightly to my view that I “make” others accept it as the only possible view. I am a work in progress on this one. In the end, we are not talking about literal life and death. The consequences could, in a worst case scenario, mean the end of our family business. It’s a business. Businesses come and go just as empires rise and fall.

How does this apply to you and your life? Are you in a disagreement with someone?

  • Step back, give time and space to see the other person’s point of view.
  • Repeat back what you are hearing the other person saying, as this may bring some clarity. Sometimes what we think the other person’s view is and what they actually mean are different. Avoid assumptions by asking questions.
  • Be honest about your experience without bringing in shame, blame or criticism.
  • Work toward solutions that are a win for all concerned, if possible. I’m actually a fan of the belief that if a win/win cannot be found, no decision is the best decision. Table the issue and come back to it after you have had a chance to process as well as get neutral input.

In the end, I think relationship should trump a decision. Life is short. Is anything really worth sacrificing relationship? We think so sometimes, but I believe nothing is more valuable than healthy, human connection.

Personally, I’m still in process on all of this. It’s much easier to say than do. 🙂

 

Categories: Acceptance, Boundaries, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Humming Along

So sorry for a long delay between posts. I ran into a bit of a technical issue with my blog that is now remedied. Since last writing, we have learned that Anna’s lung functions stabilized.  She has about 1/2 her lung capacity. It has remained this way for about the last two months. Our hope is she stays at this level for the long haul. Anna has adjusted to the reduced lung capacity physically and doesn’t notice most of the time. We’ll know more about the progression of the chronic rejection this summer after Anna’s next Dr’s visit at Duke.

NEWS: I have a new website that will be up and running hopefully soon. I’m combining my Journey Forward website with my new, Journey Forward for Life domain. I am planning on offering videos and online workshops to supplement the Journey Forward Workbook. I also have an idea to create in-person retreats that will give a limited number of people the chance to go to a beautiful place where they can work on issues in a group format lead by me.

The first retreat will be on Self Care. You’ll have the opportunity to explore who you are, what you like and don’t like and how you can restore and recharge. We’ll dig into the whys behind the challenges you face in taking care of yourself or even knowing what you like. I’m excited about the changes to come. If you want to stay in the loop, please email me and I’ll get you on my email list. No constant filling of your inbox, just letting you know when I’m launching new offerings. Email me as well if you are interested in participating in my first retreat this summer: karen@journeyforward.net

Here’s to humming along!

 

Categories: Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Journey Forward Workbook, Recovery, self care, Self-Help | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

Just Keep Swimming…

We have some answers about Anna. She has both acute and chronic rejection. Acute rejection is usually treatable. Anna has had this before. A few days of intense IV steroids have stopped it every time. Chronic rejection sometimes stops but the damage is irreversible. It causes scar tissue in the lungs. Lungs and scar-tissue don’t go very well together because scar tissue doesn’t expand like healthy lung tissue. As a result of the scarring, Anna’s lung functions have dropped to 62%.

Today, she started an IV treatment called rATG. It’s supposed to stop the acute rejection. I’m a bit confused about how or if this will help the chronic rejection. The rATG has some bad side-effects. Some people tolerate it just fine. Some end up with intense flu-like symptoms. Some have blood pressure issues and end up in the ICU. Some get PTLD. If you have followed Anna, you might recognize those four letters as the type of cancer she got. Side effects or complications are not one size fits all. Anna might be totally fine. At the moment she is in a Benadryl induced nap.

So here we are again staying in the here and now. I’m mad about the lost lung functions. I’m mad about the chronic rejection. I’m also sad about both. I stop there. I have to. I feel this heaviness in the center of my chest. It’s a ball of tears that just want to come pouring out. They will. I will let them, just not now. Right now Anna is staying upbeat and positive. She joked about how the last time she had Benadryl, she thought her hospital room was the portal to heaven and she called her brother and cousin to tell them they needed to get to her room or they would be left behind. So far, she’s not having that kind of fun!

I hear Dory sweetly reminding me, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…” So that’s what we will do. Breathe and make the best of now. It’s New Year’s Eve. We must celebrate!

Categories: Acceptance, Growth, Recovery, Self-Help | Tags: | 1 Comment

Opportunity to Practice

On Thursday I was casually enjoying coffee with a friend. My plan for the day was to take care of a few errands and then head up to Buffalo, WY to enjoy my Birthday and New

Year’s with family there. I got a text from my step-daughter that my granddaughter was super sick and it might be good to put our trip off by a day or two. Plans change. Within an hour, I got another call. This one was from a nurse breaking the news that my daughter, Anna needed to get on a plane and head to Duke Hospital ASAP. Anna had gone to the Dr. for a regular checkup. While there, they discovered her lung function had decreased significantly. After a conversation with her team at Duke it was determined she needed to be treated there. By 5:30p we were on a flight to Raleigh/Durham. After we arrived, Anna was immediately admitted to the hospital. We don’t know exactly what’s going on. The likely culprit is rejection, but we won’t know for sure for a few days.

When I first heard about this I just listened. My next step was to call my husband and let him know. As I talked to him the gravity of it all started to sink in and I started crying.  I cried for Anna because she, her dad, stepmom, brother and sister were supposed to leave on Sunday for their first-ever cruise. Anna was extremely excited about it and to hear she couldn’t go left her crying so hard she couldn’t tell me, that’s why the nurse called me. I also cried because I feared the worst: irreversible rejection. That’s where I started sinking. Fearing the unknown.

While sitting on the airplane I realized I was future-tripping. My eyes felt hot and tired and I started crying again. Then it hit me, I have no idea what’s going on with Anna’s lungs. This could all be an over-reaction. It could be minor rejection. It could be devastating rejection where the only solution is another transplant. These are all “could-be’s” none are a reality any human is aware of at this point. So I stopped myself. I said I will deal with reality when I know it. For now, stay with what I know is true and real.

That is what I am doing: staying in the here and now. It’s very freeing. Every time the sneaky future-buggers start yipping about how this might happen or that might happen, I quickly quiet them down with, “There aren’t any answers right now.” It simply requires awareness and intentional thought. Simple, not always easy, but always freeing!

Categories: Acceptance, Emotional Healing, Growth, Healing, Recovery, Self-Help | Tags: | 5 Comments

Help for the Holidays: Understanding and Compassion

(This is a rewrite of a previous post from November 2014.)

It’s the holiday season! Are you ready to be around people you find challenging? You know, the ones who say things and suddenly you no longer feel very good about yourself. Perhaps drama trails around them like Pigpen’s dirt cloud. Approaching these situations with understanding and compassion can help.

To begin, recognize you are never very far from hurting others. This awareness generally helps with the next valuable action to deal with dysfunction: seeking to understand. Understanding where someone might be coming from, what he might be thinking or feeling, helps us develop compassion for him. Understanding does not require that you agree.

Understanding, and its closely linked cousin, compassion can dramatically change any dysfunctional system, at the very least for you. As you put on understanding and compassion, you will notice you are not so negatively affected by the dysfunction. You more easily notice the dysfunctional barbs, recognize them as a product of the other person’s pain, process the feeling, and realize, “This is not about me.” Once you have metabolized your own reaction, you can then shift your focus onto at least being kind to this person.

 

Categories: Acceptance, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, holidays, Relationships, Self-Help | 2 Comments

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