Posts Tagged With: fighting

It Might Be You

Are those around you starting to drive you bananas? When we are stuck together for awhile it tends to bring out the worst in others…and us. If you’re frustrated with another, you might not need to look very far to find the root of the problem. It might be you!

Shocking, huh? We are so quick to assign blame to others but often we are the culprit. Take a look at what’s going on in your relationships. Before you start to assume someone else needs to do the changing, take a look at what you might be doing, saying, not doing or not saying that is contributing.

You know the saying, it takes two to Tango? You’re on a relational dance floor and unless you are dealing with a person who has a personality disorder (which only accounts for about 10% of the population) you are likely engaging in as many steps or more than your dance partner. We don’t like that. We like to believe we’re right and the other person has serious problems. The flaw in this is you will then spend so much time looking at the other person’s faults you will completely miss your own.

People have ended relationships erroneously believing it was the other person’s fault. If they had just taken the time to do some serious self-reflecting and stop placing the all blame on the other, they might be in a healthy relationship and avoid repeating the same pattern again and again.

Next time you are in a disagreement, step back and find out what’s your part.

Categories: awareness, Relationships, Self-Help | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

When My Experience Isn’t Yours

Relationships are fulfilling and exhausting! When we see eye to eye we usually get along better. But we don’t always see things the same way. How do we navigate the space of different views, different experiences? I think we have to be willing to accept that the process will be messy.

I’m in a space like that right now. My siblings and I own a business my father gave to us years before he died. Prior to us being involved, it was just his. He made all the decisions. Now, the task of making decisions falls on the shoulders of me, four of my siblings and our children. We are strong, independent people. We have different ideas of what success looks like. We have different ideas of how to grow and when to grow. It’s unbelievably challenging navigating these waters.

I see life through my filter. They see life through their individual filters. We are currently in a state of “my filter or experience is not like yours”. Our rough edges are showing. Harsh words have been spoken. Hard feelings are on the surface. Where do we go from here?

We must step back and listen to each other. We must understand where each person is coming from and why each has the view they have. It can’t stop there. We must own our part in why the discord exists and ask ourselves, “What am I doing that is contributing to the dissonance?”

This doesn’t mean I give up on my view of the situation but it does mean that I not hold so tightly to my view that I “make” others accept it as the only possible view. I am a work in progress on this one. In the end, we are not talking about literal life and death. The consequences could, in a worst case scenario, mean the end of our family business. It’s a business. Businesses come and go just as empires rise and fall.

How does this apply to you and your life? Are you in a disagreement with someone?

  • Step back, give time and space to see the other person’s point of view.
  • Repeat back what you are hearing the other person saying, as this may bring some clarity. Sometimes what we think the other person’s view is and what they actually mean are different. Avoid assumptions by asking questions.
  • Be honest about your experience without bringing in shame, blame or criticism.
  • Work toward solutions that are a win for all concerned, if possible. I’m actually a fan of the belief that if a win/win cannot be found, no decision is the best decision. Table the issue and come back to it after you have had a chance to process as well as get neutral input.

In the end, I think relationship should trump a decision. Life is short. Is anything really worth sacrificing relationship? We think so sometimes, but I believe nothing is more valuable than healthy, human connection.

Personally, I’m still in process on all of this. It’s much easier to say than do. 🙂

 

Categories: Acceptance, Boundaries, Forgiveness, Growth, Healing, Recovery, Relationships, Self-Help | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Mid-argument Breathing

Ever find yourself in an argument with someone? Me, too! A tool that I find particularly useful is breathing. Yep, I said breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply a few times when you notice a conversation is beginning to get intense. Then, throughout the discussion continue to consciously slow your breathing. Deep breathing helps get much needed oxygen to your brain which in turn can help you think more clearly and be less reactionary. It can also help you relax and perhaps ward off the fight or flight response. Remind yourself as you breathe that you do not need to be in fight or flight mode. Yes, this may be an intense moment in your life but not anything that is truly attacking your very existence.

Categories: Growth, Recovery, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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