Fear is Essential to Growth!

I remember hearing Dr. John Townsend talk about a man he knew who made sure he did something every day that stirred fear in him. He wasn’t looking just to be frightened, not like telling ghost stories, but doing something that put him outside of his comfort zone. Lately, I am noticing that nearly every day I feel fear. I am taking strides to increase the ripples of my work. I genuinely want to help more people than I currently am. Since February I have been working on some secret goals. Someday I’ll tell you what they are, but not yet. I bump up repeatedly against a part of me that is scared out of her pants! Sometimes I freak out and talk myself out of going for it. I’ll say things like, “You can’t do this.” “Who do you think you are?” “No one is going to like it.” And a variety of other lovely self-sabatoging statements. Right now, I’m giggling because I know they are ridiculous. Sure, they could be true but I’m not going to let that stop me because I won’t know if they are true if I don’t try. I would rather go for it and fail than not try at all. At the end of the day, or the end of the self-sabatoge session, I get back to a place of peace knowing I want to go for it despite the risks of failure.

What are you afraid to do? Why? With whom can you talk about your fears? If I tried to go through this experience alone, I’d be a mess! We all need trusted people who can sit with us as we go through life. We especially need them when we want to grow!

How Much Are You Worth?

Think about the amount of money you spend each day. How much of it leads to a truly satisfying life? Do you want to exchange unhealthy patterns for healthy ones? Do you want to be more effective at what you do? Maybe you don’t know who you are or what you like. Do you want to start investing in yourself? I often hear from potential clients that coaching/counseling is expensive. I hear from clients who have moved forward in their lives that the cost to get there is worth every penny.

Think about the amount of money you invest in decorating your home or enriching your wardrobe. You like to have things look a certain way or be comfortable. Sometimes you might even get rid of everything and start over. Not an inexpensive endeavor. But what about yourself? What are you doing about the need for an over-haul within? I believe you get one chance at this life. Do you want to be on your death bed thinking about all the mistakes you made and how you wish you could have a do-over? Chances are some of those mistakes would have something to do with not taking a deep look at what’s going on inside your emotions and thoughts – your issues. Issues that could have been dealt with by going to therapy or coaching.

A new endeavor of mine, in addition to my private practice and the Smalley Marriage Intensive coaching, is the Townsend Leadership Program (TLP). I will be starting a TLP group in January 2015. Endorsed and founded by Dr. John Townsend, the TLP offers the support of a group format to learn life and business leadership skills as well as work through issues that are getting in the way of living your life to the full in work, relationships and free-time. Email me or call for more information: Karen.Thacker@TownsendLeadership.com 303-589-6274

Granted, I’m talking to people who have money. If you have very little, check out counseling centers associated with a local university, like the University of Colorado in Denver. Another option is an organization called Open Path. They have partnered with therapists across the US to take on at least one low cost client. No matter what economic bracket you are in, there is help out there if you want to invest both the time and the money.

Hiding?

Are you trying to hide something about yourself? Is there a part of you you’re not happy with, but instead of working on it, you cover it up? My daughter is undergoing chemotherapy for a kind of cancer reserved just for organ transplant recipients. I say that like it’s some kind of reward. I don’t think of it as a reward. She doesn’t either! Her hair is falling out in patches. She kind of looks like the tortured doll in Toy Story. She doesn’t really want to rock the whole bald thing, so she now has two wigs. She likes them. She looks good in them. In her case, I think covering up her baldness make sense. But what if we are trying to cover up something because we don’t want to deal with it?

Maybe for you it’s a fear of failure. You cover it up with procrastination. If you never get to the tasks, you don’t have to finish anything so you can avoid hearing the disapproval. Maybe you fear intimacy so you disguise it with independence. You can do life on your own so you don’t ever have to let anyone in. Or perhaps you are hiding a sense of never being good enough with high-octane production. You’ll prove you’re worth something by all the projects you can spit out, meanwhile never feeling inside that all those projects are enough.

Can you identify with any of these scenarios or ones like them? The answer is not to keep hiding but to bring the hidden parts of yourself out in the open, in a safe environment where healing can take place. This might be in recovery groups, counseling or coaching. I got to the heart of things I was hiding in a life changing coaching experience with Dr. John Townsend. Now, after several years of sitting under his teaching and guidance, he has given me (and about 17 other people around the US) the chance to lead and coach my own Townsend Leadership Program in Colorado! I am excited to bring the very processes that radically changed my life and helped me peel off the masks and stop hiding to my local community.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Townsend Leadership Program that I will be leading in 2015, call me or email me: 303-589-6274 or karen@journeyforward.net

Get Through This Breath

Taking life a moment at a time has never been more profound than in this season of my life.  I’m away from my husband, my other children, my family and my friends while I have taken on the role of primary caregiver for my daughter who needs a double lung transplant. We are in Durham, NC awaiting her transplant at Duke University.  Some days I just move along fluidly in this current. It is effortless to be here but it is intensely strenuous to stay here. I’ll explain because that seems a bit incongruous. When I’m in the current it requires very little work on my part. I’m going the direction of the path I’m on. Moments arise when I’m looking at the river bank or an alternative current and I want to go there. As I struggle to fight my way into the other current or seek safety at the river bank, I get exhausted.

I want to go home. I want to be with my husband hanging out and enjoying his company. I want to be in the kitchen when my son comes home from school. While he’s busy getting himself something to eat, he talks to me.  I treasure that time before he disappears into his room to do homework, surf the net and play games. He’ll be graduating in two years. My youngest child will be going to college and our kitchen talks will be gone. I want to meet with my friend, Karen. We get together every other week at Starbucks to connect and challenge one another to grow. I miss hopping in the car and within a few hours being with most of my family. I miss the camaraderie of my Tuesday night Solutions group. We laugh and cry with each other as we learn to live healthier lives while watching and discussing Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s Solutions DVDs. I miss the comfort of my own home and I miss my dog!

I feel a bit like an Israelite wandering in the desert. God is providing for every step of our journey. I’m thankful for that but I also miss a lot! I wasn’t in slavery in Egypt like the Israelites. Colorado really is my home and the place I ultimately belong. It is not where I find myself today. When I think about all the things I don’t have and the place I am not, I begin to sink. When I think about how long I will have to be here, waves of panic crash within me. I can’t breathe. I freak out. Before I lose consciousness and succumb to the drag of the water, I remember one very important detail. I do not have to survive this for a really long time. I don’t have to think about being here for three months, six months, a year. All I have to do is focus on this moment. I just need to get through this breath. That’s it. Ah, relief! I can do this. 🙂  I know I can’t survive being here very long. But I know I can survive being here for this breath.  As time goes by all those breaths add up to an hour, a day, a week and so on. That is so much more manageable.

Live your life one breath at a time.  It really is the only way we can survive or enjoy the current we find ourselves traveling.

Moving from Disconnected to Vulnerable

I grew up in a system that, whether intentional or not, praised only perfection and joyful emotions. When I was very young I was aware of this system. Somehow I knew I had to put away the parts of me that made mistakes, were hurt, angry or scared. I don’t remember consciously doing this but it became a way of life for me. I thought I was normal. I thought people who expressed anger, sadness or fear were out of balance. I thought it was normal to be disconnected. I would not have used that word, but that’s what it was. I went along merrily this way until I was about 36. Then, I had an affair. The disconnected part of me could do this. At times I would come into the feeling place and realize what I was doing was horrible on many levels. But I didn’t stay in that place and would bob back down into the disconnected place. After my “perfectly disconnected” life fell completely apart, I went to counseling. I worked with a variety of counselors and coaches over the next few years. Each one was part of healing and weaving together all the parts of me: the scared parts, the angry parts, the sad parts and the joyful parts.

I am not as tidy anymore. That seems strange. I was tidy before and I thought that was better. Now, when I am not tidy, I feel a bit uncomfortable. In the earlier stages of my healing I would feel really uncomfortable as I let out the real me. In the earlier stages I needed to get used to really feeling, even if it was super messy. It helped to experience messiness and learn to be ok with it. When we shut down parts of ourselves, when we are unwilling to be vulnerable, we are only partly present. Our relationships are only partial relationships, our connection with and enjoyment of this world is only partly connected and enjoyed.

It’s scary to connect with all of who we are because there can be some really painful stuff inside. I recommend if you haven’t felt all your parts…if you identify with being disconnected, find a good therapist or coach who can help you navigate the waters of feeling.  A few recommendations are Shadow Work (shadowwork.com), EMDR (emdria.org), Henry Cloud and John Townsend books: “Hiding from Love,” “Changes that Heal” and “Boundaries” are just a few (cloudtownsend.com).  I learned and processed a ton in the Cloud and Townsend Ultimate Leadership Intensive (their definition of a leader is very loose).  I attended a recovery group for co-dependency.  Mine was at my church (celebraterecovery.com) but you can also attend a CODA group or any recovery group similar to AA (coda.org and aa.org). I read Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and continue to read “The Language of Letting Go”. I’m sure many other helpful ideas are out there. This is just a short list of options.  These were the tools I used in my recovery journey.  Yours will be unique to you.

In my messiness, I now have fabulous connections with other messy people.  They welcome all the parts of me.  We are vulnerable with one another, we encourage one another to continue on our journey, and most of all, we accept one another.  That was my biggest fear as a child, that all of who I am wasn’t acceptable and loved.  That’s why I hid away my parts, the ones I thought weren’t acceptable and lovable.  Surround yourself with people who accept and love all of who you are and are willing to journey with you as you knit back together.

A note on this acceptance piece.  Parts of me need refinement.  I can be harsh in my delivery sometimes.  While that is a real part of me that I choose not to put in hiding, the people who love and accept me speak truth into my life (with a heavy dose of grace!).  They encourage me to delve into why I am harsh at times, to work on softening my edges.  That’s just one part of me that needs refinement.  I can be highly critical, shaming, jealous, greedy…  I want and need those parts to be accepted and loved but not condoned.  This is tricky.  We often assume if someone points out a part in us that needs refinement they are not accepting us.  This isn’t necessarily true.  Listen to the words of others; allow them to speak into your life, process through the words.  Are you being given a gift of finding out “what it’s like to be on the other side of you”? That’s a John Townsend quote that I love! If the person is just being mean, don’t take that on.  Put a lot of weight on who the messenger is.  Is this someone you trust, someone who has your best interest in mind? If so, listen to and process what you have heard.  Use the information for your good and continue on your journey of staying connected.

PS There is so much more I want to say on this subject.  Especially how our disconnected selves affect the productive parts of ourselves, like our creativity and interests.  I try to keep my posts short and to the point.  This one is already longer than I would like so, I will write my next post on the connection between disconnect and productivity.

The Art of Goodbyes

Goodbyes can be tricky. So much so that some people avoid them entirely. I believe there is an art to saying goodbye. It involves understanding what you are genuinely feeling, speaking your emotion to the person and being ok with any awkwardness that might be present.

I said goodbye to our exchange student yesterday. He spent the last 10 months living with us, learning about American culture, attending high school, teaching us about his life in Norway, and finding his way into our hearts. It wasn’t always easy. We experienced the ups and downs of real relationships. We had arguments, there were tears, frustration, irritation, laughter, understanding and love. When it came time to send him home, I felt a heavy sadness in my heart and I cried.

When we spend significant time with another person it is natural to feel sadness when we part ways. Out of my sadness and not knowing exactly what to say, I wanted to say things like, “We’ll see you in Norway,” but didn’t. I said very little other than, “It’s hard to say goodbye to you after spending 10 months together.” I usually try to fill the uneasy moments in a good bye with a promise of seeing each other soon. I wanted to say that but for one of the first times in my life I didn’t. It isn’t that I don’t hope to visit him in Norway, it’s just not on the horizon. I let my goodbye sit there.

I learned about healthier goodbyes when the Counselor Training Program with John Townsend ended in March. Dr. Townsend coached us on how to say goodbye and let it sit without the avoid-the-uncomfortableness filler words. It was the first time I gave goodbyes any thought. I like this concept of being healthy even with a goodbye.

The Benefits of Assertiveness Part 1

I’m in a Counselor Training Program with Dr. John Townsend and Scott Makin.  One day out of every month I am in Indianapolis being challenged in my personal growth as well as learning all about the counseling approach of Drs. John Townsend and Henry Cloud.  The training involves teaching time and small group counseling also called process groups.  During one of the process groups I stumbled upon a realization that I have a crippling fear of being assertive.  It doesn’t usually show up in my office with clients, but anywhere else I shrink back or regret having opened my mouth.  I have thought that assertiveness is negative.  It’s not that I have never been assertive but when I am I feel like I am pushy and bossy.  Maybe those things are true because I am not very skilled at being assertive but I am gaining an understanding of the importance of being assertive.

At the end of each training day, the 21 of us who are participating take time to share our homework for the next month.  It has to be measurable and challenge us in some way to be stretched.  I came up with the assignment that I would write 10 things that happen when I am assertive.  John added that I write 10 things that happen when others are assertive.  As I pondered the positive results of my assertiveness it was a bit difficult.  I kept running into the negative piece.  When I wrote about the benefits of others being assertive it created a shift inside of me.  I saw how important assertiveness is in the health and growth of the world.  Our very existence depends on assertiveness. This shift opened up a new value for my own assertiveness and the ideas began flowing out of me.

Here they are:

Ten good things that happen when I am assertive

1. I’m not left wondering if I missed out by holding my tongue

2. I feel a sense of accomplishment even if things don’t turn out my way

3. I connect with people versus holding back and being closed

4. I finish things (I’ve spent most of my life dreaming things up but not doing anything with the ideas)

5. I experience forward momentum instead of just swirling in the same old place

6. My creativity is flowing

7. I use the gifts I’ve been given

8. I model self-respect and reap the benefit of respecting myself

9. I create an opportunity for others to find healing

10. My needs get met

When others are assertive

1. Lives are changed physically (like a Dr. helping someone or a person seeking care or health)

2. People’s eternities are altered

3. Dreams are accomplished

4. People are protected

5. Connection happens

6. Employment is secured

7. Babies are born

8. Marriages are saved

9. Truth is spoken

10. Change happens

So here’s my challened to you:  Write ten things that happen when others are assertive and your own list of ten things that happen when you are assertive.  Ponder that list and then get out there and go for it!  The focus isn’t so much on what you accomplish, just that you are actively, instead of passively, living the life that you have been given.  There’s a parable in the Bible that talks about using the talent we’ve been given.  The one who buries the talent is the one who loses out.  Those who go for it, knowing that there is a risk of screwing things up, are the ones who benefit.  So take one step today to move toward really living!