Unravel To Be Who You Were Meant To Be

Sometimes we must unravel so we can be properly knit back together, the way we were meant to be. Prior to going through therapy, I was generally an easy going person, at least on the outside. As a child I learned to appear “perfect” so others would like me. It wasn’t a sustainable approach and by my late 30’s I completely imploded, shattering the perfect image I unconsciously worked my whole life to maintain. When I embarked on my healing journey, I noticed I wasn’t so agreeable anymore. If someone offended me, I would speak up in a blundering hurtful way. I didn’t know how to have a productive, healthy voice. I was practicing skills I had not used before. In my “perfect” state I brushed away offenses, “No problem, I ‘m fine.” But I wasn’t. I was just shoving all that hurt deep inside for the sake of being liked. Practicing speaking up was hard at first, then it got easier and more productive.

Now, I’m noticing a new development. I don’t always desire to say anything. It takes more to offend me. I’m noticing that times when I used to be easily hurt I am now not so bothered. I’m not shoving the hurt away, it’s just not there. I have an increased capacity to stop and understand this other person is not likely trying to hurt me. That perhaps their sharp edges are unhealthy ways of protecting their tender parts and they don’t know another way yet to deal with that.

I am certainly not saying this like, “Oh, look at me! I’ve got it all together.” Oh heck no! Anyone close to me knows all to well that I still have work to do. I am not tooting my own horn but rather the horn of the power of dealing with your inner garbage. I’m noticing as I go through this healing journey a sense of becoming who I was meant to be. The me I thought I was supposed to be was a very messy and hurtful product. 39 years worth of knitting together was unravelled to begin anew. 15 years later I am still seeing the benefits of the journey. I have a long way to go. I am not fixed, just well into the process. I am so grateful we can change. I am grateful we can unravel and be reknit into the creation we were meant to be. Healing is possible. Wounds from the past do not have to dictate who we are forever.

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Grow Up Your Relational Skills

If you are like most of us, you have unhealthy relational skills. You learned them when you were little. You learned by observing others and maybe got some instruction from your parents and care givers; however, most of what you learned or figured out isn’t healthy. Think about the time your friend or spouse wouldn’t give you something you wanted. You were hurt by them, you shut down and stopped talking to them. This is the adult version of, “Fine! You can’t come to my Birthday party.” It may look different and sound different, but it’s still a five year old’s response to being disappointed or hurt by a friend.

Some things we learned are ultra damaging to ourselves and others. We may have learned to make everyone around us happy. We may have learned it’s our fault when they aren’t. As an adult you are now in relationships where you believe you can’t stand up for yourself or draw healthy boundaries because those actions will be mean to the other person. This belief is not accurate nor is it conducive to healthy relationships.

Take a look at how you function in relationships. If you’re honest, chances are you will see yourself taking some young and unhealthy actions. Get involved in a relationship skills class, read books on the subject or get help from a counselor. Life is too short to stumble along using immature skills in the most important part of life, relationships!

My favorite authors on healthy relationship skills are Drs John Townsend and Henry Cloud. They have a multitude of books, videos and workshops to help you grow up 🙂

Are You Worth A Million?

My maternal great-grandfather, John Saxe Headley valued his children. So much so he wrote about them in an editorial for his newspaper, The Hutchinson Herald in Menno, SD back in the early 1900’s. He viewed each one of his nine children as a million dollars. He saw himself as a millionaire nine times over! His bank account didn’t reflect it, but his mind and heart did. I never knew my great-grandpa John but I have a feeling if I did I would have felt really good about myself after being with him.

Do you have people in your life who believe in you? People who see your value? When we don’t experience being valued simply because we exist it can really mess with us. Some follow unproductive paths, flailing from job to job never quite feeling enough. Some excel excessively trying to prove they are worth something but somehow never satisfying that emptiness inside. No amount of accolades or bank account balances seems to be enough. All are scattered around the continuum but few find themselves in the balanced spot in the middle.

One of the best methods I know that can help you heal in this area is a Process Group. It’s like group counseling but better. Through the careful facilitation of an effective coach/counselor/therapist, a Process Group gets deep at the heart of what’s holding you back and getting in the way of moving forward in your life. Wounds that feel like holes in your soul are filled and healed through the group members. Taking in the ingredients you didn’t get while growing up helps you live a healthier more satisfying life. You just might hear, “You’re worth a million!”

You Always Have A Choice!

What I love about these words from Viktor Frankl is the clear communication that we have a choice. We can choose how we are going to respond or what we are going to think or how we are going to act. Now I know it sometimes doesn’t feel like we have a choice but that is an illusion. Unless you have a diagnosable brain malfunction that makes it literally impossible to choose, you can choose. Viktor Frankl survived being a prisoner at Nazi concentration camps in the 1940’s. I think he knows what he’s talking about. Think about your circumstances, how they seem so awful and you think you don’t have a choice about how you respond. Now think about being in a concentration camp where you literally have no visible choices. Dr. Frankl has communicated to us from real life experience that we always have the ability to choose how we will respond in any circumstance.

What is it that you are facing right now that you think you don’t have a choice? Is it true you don’t have a choice? Do you have to yell at your partner because you are so angry that she won’t listen to you? Do you have to believe you are not enough because that’s the message others have told you? Do you have to go on ruminating on everything you have to do because that’s what you’ve always done? The answer to all three and many more is, No! You get to choose. Right now you can choose to believe that you have value and worth. You do. Simply because you exist, you matter. You can choose a healthier way to communicate your frustration with your partner. You can stop those runaway-train-like thoughts. You really can. I know all of these for a fact because I have done each one.

It seems really hard at first to start choosing and not being a victim to the world around you. Don’t give up. Stay with it. If you find you need help, then reach out for it. You may need a counselor/therapist. Go for it! You have a choice there, too. 🙂

Are You Living in Freedom or Stuck in Cement?

Do you have something in your life that is getting in the way of living to the full? Something about you? I do. It’s fear of failure. I was reminded this morning by a friend and support person in my life that we were born fearless. She asked me to look at the things that have happened that took the fearlessness from me. I’ve gone through enough therapy at this point in my life to be able to rattle off the experiences that nearly stripped me bare. I’m naming them and reclaiming my right to live a life without fear of failure. It doesn’t matter in the end if I succeed at my plans. What matters is that I live in freedom and go for it. I want to lay everything I have on the field.

Remember The Pursuit of Happyness? A true story in which Will Smith’s character gave everything he had for the chance at a better life for himself and his son. He didn’t let fear or circumstances hold him back. I want that kind of inner strength. How about you? What is holding you back? What do you want in your life right now? Maybe it’s freedom from an addiction, or a more satisfying job, a healthier relationship, a relationship! What is getting in the way of going for it? What belief do you have about yourself that keeps you stuck in concrete? Is the belief true? Not do you believe it, but is it really true? For me, it’s that my value is tied to succeeding. I am not acceptable if I fail. Not true! Maybe I won’t find success, but does failing mean I shouldn’t even try? So what if I fail. In my situation, the success is not in whether or not my endeavor succeeds. The success will be found in knowing I gave it my all. That’s it. That’s my focus. On December 31, I want to be able to post a blog that I gave it my all. That is my goal.

What is yours? If it’s to finally address an addiction and your concrete is that you aren’t enough, first begin to say, you are enough. That you’re not, is a lie. Your goal could be that you take at least one step this week toward getting help. Maybe it’s sharing the truth with a trusted friend. Maybe it’s finding and attending an AA or recovery group.

Perhaps your life feels completely unmanageable. Your belief could be that you’re not worth having a life of order. Yes you are! Everyone is inherently valuable. So that belief is a lie. Start saying that to yourself daily. Like any of the negative beliefs we have about ourselves, share it with a trusted friend. Seek the help of a coach or counselor to get at the underlying beliefs and where they came from.

No matter what your concrete may be, I believe there is hope! It’s going to take work and stepping out of your comfort zone to get there, but honestly, where is your comfort zone getting you? Does your life feel manageable? Are you living it out with passion, purpose and fulfillment? No? Take a step today to begin chiseling off that concrete and get closer to living your life in freedom!

How Much Are You Worth?

Think about the amount of money you spend each day. How much of it leads to a truly satisfying life? Do you want to exchange unhealthy patterns for healthy ones? Do you want to be more effective at what you do? Maybe you don’t know who you are or what you like. Do you want to start investing in yourself? I often hear from potential clients that coaching/counseling is expensive. I hear from clients who have moved forward in their lives that the cost to get there is worth every penny.

Think about the amount of money you invest in decorating your home or enriching your wardrobe. You like to have things look a certain way or be comfortable. Sometimes you might even get rid of everything and start over. Not an inexpensive endeavor. But what about yourself? What are you doing about the need for an over-haul within? I believe you get one chance at this life. Do you want to be on your death bed thinking about all the mistakes you made and how you wish you could have a do-over? Chances are some of those mistakes would have something to do with not taking a deep look at what’s going on inside your emotions and thoughts – your issues. Issues that could have been dealt with by going to therapy or coaching.

A new endeavor of mine, in addition to my private practice and the Smalley Marriage Intensive coaching, is the Townsend Leadership Program (TLP). I will be starting a TLP group in January 2015. Endorsed and founded by Dr. John Townsend, the TLP offers the support of a group format to learn life and business leadership skills as well as work through issues that are getting in the way of living your life to the full in work, relationships and free-time. Email me or call for more information: Karen.Thacker@TownsendLeadership.com 303-589-6274

Granted, I’m talking to people who have money. If you have very little, check out counseling centers associated with a local university, like the University of Colorado in Denver. Another option is an organization called Open Path. They have partnered with therapists across the US to take on at least one low cost client. No matter what economic bracket you are in, there is help out there if you want to invest both the time and the money.

Hiding?

Are you trying to hide something about yourself? Is there a part of you you’re not happy with, but instead of working on it, you cover it up? My daughter is undergoing chemotherapy for a kind of cancer reserved just for organ transplant recipients. I say that like it’s some kind of reward. I don’t think of it as a reward. She doesn’t either! Her hair is falling out in patches. She kind of looks like the tortured doll in Toy Story. She doesn’t really want to rock the whole bald thing, so she now has two wigs. She likes them. She looks good in them. In her case, I think covering up her baldness make sense. But what if we are trying to cover up something because we don’t want to deal with it?

Maybe for you it’s a fear of failure. You cover it up with procrastination. If you never get to the tasks, you don’t have to finish anything so you can avoid hearing the disapproval. Maybe you fear intimacy so you disguise it with independence. You can do life on your own so you don’t ever have to let anyone in. Or perhaps you are hiding a sense of never being good enough with high-octane production. You’ll prove you’re worth something by all the projects you can spit out, meanwhile never feeling inside that all those projects are enough.

Can you identify with any of these scenarios or ones like them? The answer is not to keep hiding but to bring the hidden parts of yourself out in the open, in a safe environment where healing can take place. This might be in recovery groups, counseling or coaching. I got to the heart of things I was hiding in a life changing coaching experience with Dr. John Townsend. Now, after several years of sitting under his teaching and guidance, he has given me (and about 17 other people around the US) the chance to lead and coach my own Townsend Leadership Program in Colorado! I am excited to bring the very processes that radically changed my life and helped me peel off the masks and stop hiding to my local community.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Townsend Leadership Program that I will be leading in 2015, call me or email me: 303-589-6274 or karen@journeyforward.net

Dead Suckers Strangling You?

The warm spring weather coaxed me outside to work in the yard. My neighbors have tasty raspberry bushes. The bushes happen to be just on the other side of our fence and within a few feet of our Aspen trees. Last summer I rescued the Aspens from the choking strangling grip of the trespassing raspberry suckers. Examing the Aspens this year, I noticed some of the dead suckers were still wrapped with a death like grip around the Aspens’ branches. Though no life existed in the suckers, they were still strangling the Aspens. I started thinking about how we let people who have hurt us in the past, who are no longer in our lives, continue to hurt us, just like those dead raspberry suckers.

Maybe the person in your life was a parent, teacher, neighbor, classmate, sibling, ex-spouse, boss… The list of options to choose from is long! Whoever it was in your life who spoke life sucking words to you is still affecting you today. Not because this person is still sending out strangling tendrils, but because you continue to allow those words to float around in your head. Like the raspberry tendrils wrapped tightly several times around the branches, it’s hard to loosen them, remove them and get them out of your head. I was shocked by how strong the dead suckers were. I worked hard to break them and unwrap them carefully from the vibrant Aspen branches. I didn’t want to add any more damage. I could see how the bark on the branches was indented, stunted from the raspberries’ tight grip.

How do we free ourselves from the tight strangling grip of past hurts? Slowly, deliberately and carefully. My common phrase is, it all starts with awareness. We simply cannot create change without it. For those who haven’t heard me say it enough, awareness is the intentional act of noticing what you are thinking, feeling emotionally and feeling physically. It’s being aware of the words you are using, the actions you are taking and understanding why you are choosing to say, act, feel and think what you are saying, doing, feeling and thinking. It’s developing curiosity about yourself. The opposite is living in autopilot. Just going about life without really knowing why you think, feel and act as you do.

From the place of awareness you can notice that you are reacting to old tapes (the sucking tendrils from the past). Maybe you were told you’re not good enough. The message may not have been that direct but again and again you perceived that someone wasn’t happy with you and your performance in life. The person doesn’t say those words to you anymore, but you sort of “hear” them each time you don’t live up to your or someone else’s expectation of you. You feel less-than, incompetent, incapable of doing things “right.” You may lash out at someone in defensiveness or shut down and withdraw. The “not good enough” part of you that feels exposed tries to protect. But guess what? The part that says you’re not good enough is attached to a dead plant. It isn’t real. It doesn’t exist. You don’t have to allow another to define you. So often we do. Like the caged animal whose door is finally opened yet the animal doesn’t leave.

Notice when you are allowing old messages to affect you. Stop your patterned response by doing something entirely different. Maybe say the word, “Stop!” to yourself (or aloud if you want to). Remind yourself that’s an old message. Tell yourself you are enough. We don’t have to be perfect to be enough. Perfect isn’t even achievable so give up that quest. Look toward growth and health but not perfection. When you go back to old ways, notice what that feels like. Look at the progression of your patterned response and think about what you could have done differently. Avoid beating yourself up for not handling things in a healthy way. Even the most seasoned awareness person is going to slip into old responses from time to time. The goal isn’t perfection, just a general, though not always direct, shift up and to the right.

When we don’t do things well, we are given a gift. We have the opportunity to look at the experience and grow from it. How can I do things differently? What can I learn from this? Stay away from, “I’m not good enough.” It will strangle and paralyze you. You are an adult. You get to decide how you are going to respond to things. Take that right, and do something productive with it. Cut off, unwind and remove the choking suckers (metaphorically speaking, of course!).

If you find yourself stuck and not changing, it may well be time to seek out the professional help of a skilled therapist or coach.

Reconnecting with the True You

Sitting here thinking about all the aspects of being connected and our productivity, I had a moment of being overwhelmed with the enormity of this subject.  I will do my best to keep it to one post but it’s going to be long! J

When we lock away parts of ourselves because we think they are unacceptable, we don’t just lock away the negative parts.  We lock away some good parts, too.  This is true for our emotions and our productivity.  I’m using the word productivity to encompass the doing part of people.  We feel, we think and we do.  The “do” part includes our connections with people, involvement in activities and work.

When I was young I shut away the parts of me I thought weren’t perfect (read the previous post “Moving from Disconnected to Vulnerable”).  When I was in 7^th grade I discovered I could act and sing.  I thoroughly enjoyed being on stage.  It was gratifying to me to see that I could make people smile.  As I got older, the acting world got harder.  I wasn’t comfortable taking risks.  It was as if the perfect part of me wouldn’t let me.  In the acting world, a person has to take risks; she must put everything she has into a role or it won’t be believable.   I did not see this back then but as I look at all the pieces of the puzzle from this vantage point, I can see it clearly.

When I started looking at colleges, I knew I wanted to attend a school that would further my acting career.  My parents weren’t excited about my desire to enter the world of theater.  I interpreted this as displeasure with me.  I dropped the idea immediately and chose instead to go to the college my mom attended.  I wanted to make her proud of me; I wanted her to accept me.  Since the acting part of me wasn’t acceptable, I put that part away.

As with my emotions, I wasn’t aware I did this.  It just happened.  As I think about it now, I remember having no idea what I would major in.  I chose psychology because the classes fascinated me, but I never felt truly settled.  Part of me wanted to be in business, part wanted to be a teacher, part wanted to be a doctor, part of me wanted to be a child psychologist and part of me didn’t want to do anything.  I was very confused.  When we aren’t connected, when we shove parts of ourselves away, it is very difficult to choose the right fit.  The parts of us that are put away aren’t really gone, they are just in hiding.  When dissatisfaction bubbles to the surface it might be a result of the part put in hiding.  It’s trying to get out, to tell us that we’re working with an incomplete set of skills, interests and desires; there are other valuable parts with lots of duct tape on them to shut them up.  Eventually the duct tape starts to loosen, and we start hearing those hidden parts.  I’m not saying this is always the reason for dissatisfaction with the doing part of our life, but it might be.

Are there parts of you in hiding?  Think about your life.  Do you have an underlying belief that parts of you aren’t acceptable?  I’m not talking about the parts that want to hurt people or destroy things.  Those parts need restraints.  I’m talking about the truest parts of who you are.  The parts, that if no one would judge, you would feel safe to let out: your creative self, your intellectual self, your playful self, your inquisitive self, your free self…  Journal about all of this; sometimes when we write things down, then go back and read the words, we get some clarity.

Think about your young self, way back before too much hurt had been heaped on you and before you shut parts of yourself away.  That’s a hard task for me because I think some of the hurt started pretty early.  I love, love, love my parents.  I am thankful for them, but they were not perfect.  I have some scars from things they did or didn’t do.  It wasn’t intentional.  They didn’t set out to hurt me, but in their humanity they did.  Do your best to remember the uninhibited you.  That might help you get a sense of who you really are.  Think about the things you really enjoy and why you enjoy them.   You may find activities you thought you enjoyed but when you give them some thought you realize you only do them because you think others will accept you.  Perhaps you will re-engage with a part of yourself you put away because you thought you had to in order to find acceptance.  Be gentle with yourself and others as you go on this journey.  You may have to go through a time of mourning as you grieve the past.  Eventually, as you heal from the grief over lost years and lost parts you can begin to celebrate the awareness you now have and the opportunities that await the connected you. Take your time with all of this; it’s not an overnight task.

Some can process through this all on their own with the help of trusted friends.  Some will need the guidance of a trained counselor/therapist or coach.  If this stirred something within you, I encourage you to get the help you need.  I used all of the above in my journey and I am incredibly thankful.  I might be messy, but all of me is present. J

Moving from Disconnected to Vulnerable

I grew up in a system that, whether intentional or not, praised only perfection and joyful emotions. When I was very young I was aware of this system. Somehow I knew I had to put away the parts of me that made mistakes, were hurt, angry or scared. I don’t remember consciously doing this but it became a way of life for me. I thought I was normal. I thought people who expressed anger, sadness or fear were out of balance. I thought it was normal to be disconnected. I would not have used that word, but that’s what it was. I went along merrily this way until I was about 36. Then, I had an affair. The disconnected part of me could do this. At times I would come into the feeling place and realize what I was doing was horrible on many levels. But I didn’t stay in that place and would bob back down into the disconnected place. After my “perfectly disconnected” life fell completely apart, I went to counseling. I worked with a variety of counselors and coaches over the next few years. Each one was part of healing and weaving together all the parts of me: the scared parts, the angry parts, the sad parts and the joyful parts.

I am not as tidy anymore. That seems strange. I was tidy before and I thought that was better. Now, when I am not tidy, I feel a bit uncomfortable. In the earlier stages of my healing I would feel really uncomfortable as I let out the real me. In the earlier stages I needed to get used to really feeling, even if it was super messy. It helped to experience messiness and learn to be ok with it. When we shut down parts of ourselves, when we are unwilling to be vulnerable, we are only partly present. Our relationships are only partial relationships, our connection with and enjoyment of this world is only partly connected and enjoyed.

It’s scary to connect with all of who we are because there can be some really painful stuff inside. I recommend if you haven’t felt all your parts…if you identify with being disconnected, find a good therapist or coach who can help you navigate the waters of feeling.  A few recommendations are Shadow Work (shadowwork.com), EMDR (emdria.org), Henry Cloud and John Townsend books: “Hiding from Love,” “Changes that Heal” and “Boundaries” are just a few (cloudtownsend.com).  I learned and processed a ton in the Cloud and Townsend Ultimate Leadership Intensive (their definition of a leader is very loose).  I attended a recovery group for co-dependency.  Mine was at my church (celebraterecovery.com) but you can also attend a CODA group or any recovery group similar to AA (coda.org and aa.org). I read Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and continue to read “The Language of Letting Go”. I’m sure many other helpful ideas are out there. This is just a short list of options.  These were the tools I used in my recovery journey.  Yours will be unique to you.

In my messiness, I now have fabulous connections with other messy people.  They welcome all the parts of me.  We are vulnerable with one another, we encourage one another to continue on our journey, and most of all, we accept one another.  That was my biggest fear as a child, that all of who I am wasn’t acceptable and loved.  That’s why I hid away my parts, the ones I thought weren’t acceptable and lovable.  Surround yourself with people who accept and love all of who you are and are willing to journey with you as you knit back together.

A note on this acceptance piece.  Parts of me need refinement.  I can be harsh in my delivery sometimes.  While that is a real part of me that I choose not to put in hiding, the people who love and accept me speak truth into my life (with a heavy dose of grace!).  They encourage me to delve into why I am harsh at times, to work on softening my edges.  That’s just one part of me that needs refinement.  I can be highly critical, shaming, jealous, greedy…  I want and need those parts to be accepted and loved but not condoned.  This is tricky.  We often assume if someone points out a part in us that needs refinement they are not accepting us.  This isn’t necessarily true.  Listen to the words of others; allow them to speak into your life, process through the words.  Are you being given a gift of finding out “what it’s like to be on the other side of you”? That’s a John Townsend quote that I love! If the person is just being mean, don’t take that on.  Put a lot of weight on who the messenger is.  Is this someone you trust, someone who has your best interest in mind? If so, listen to and process what you have heard.  Use the information for your good and continue on your journey of staying connected.

PS There is so much more I want to say on this subject.  Especially how our disconnected selves affect the productive parts of ourselves, like our creativity and interests.  I try to keep my posts short and to the point.  This one is already longer than I would like so, I will write my next post on the connection between disconnect and productivity.